Up at night. Tossing and turning. Restless. You turn to me half slumber. “Come here baby.” You smile. I smile. My head rests against your chest and you pull me in close. In this moment…nothing else matters. You’re everything I need.
“Like rain on open skies. Don’t know the reason why, but I’ll always choose the black in front of white.” It seems as if I’ve been rubbing my eyes for years and all I can do is wait. No matter how much I try to see the light, they refuse to refocus. It’s a feeling I carry with me all of the time. Quicksand and I’m left spiraling. Is this it? Is this who I am programmed to be? Nothing ever feels good enough. I feel as if I’m missing out and it’s an emptiness that forces me to slip from time to time. Everything is out of my hands. I can’t make people magically appear when I need them. I can’t feel fulfilled when I left my passion in the dark. I can’t break free of this loneliness when there isn’t much of anything left to pass the time and it hurts. How do I allow people to play the leading role within my happiness? When they are gone, everything crumbles down to nothing and I’m left waiting on a moment to feel good again. Sometimes I wonder if I’m broken. Maybe I wasn’t ready for all that was thrown at me, but who could ever be? Does anyone else feel this way? Change is hard for anyone, but why do I drown in it? I feel so ashamed that I can’t see this any other way. That maybe I’ve failed myself and this is what a year of heartache can do to someone. Lost and looking for answers.
But now I’m looking at these strange faces and I’m not coming home.
Transition. Losing yourself in a moment of bewilderment and arriving at the edge of clarity. Absent and jaded from all that has flawed your proposal to life. How I wish to be forgiving. To see things in a new way. The queen of gloom and doom. Maybe it’s coincidence versus fate. A lesson in perseverance. A reason to have more faith in myself and to come to the realization that the madness could end. It will get easier. I have to believe that. Things are looking up, but I don’t want to jinx it.
I’m always at war with myself. I never know if I’m making the right decisions when faced with a choice. This year has been such a challenge for me. I don’t know if it’s my age or the circumstances I’ve been faced with. My heart has been breaking slowly. So this is growing up. It’s one thing after another. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like everything is slipping through my fingers.
1. Getting screwed over where I worked by my evil bitch of a boss.
2. Losing all of my savings that were for New York.
3. Moving without a dollar to my name and a month without any work.
4. Borrowing money from others to pay my bills.
5. Taking a job to make money while my dreams sit on the back burner.
6. Hurricane Sandy stealing my world away from me and not knowing how to cope.
7. The loneliness I’ve dealt with missing my friends and family.
8. The fear of someone close to me being sick.
How much pain do I have to experience before seeing the light at the end of the tunnel? I just don’t know. How do people continue to view the glass as half full? I’ve never viewed myself as a pessimistic person. I have my tendencies, but lately I feel that it’s all that I am. The bad will continue to outway the good and I will forever be dominated by my fears. Waiting to catch a break.
Having a rough night. Just having a hard time feeling happy with the way things are going in my life. I realize things could be worse, but every time I think I have reached the bottom I just keep on falling. I lost my apartment in Hurricane Sandy and I’ve been displaced for over a month now. I’m miserable. Call me selfish, but all I wanted to do was move while it was still warm out and be settled in for the holidays. Instead, everything was destroyed. So much for our first Christmas tree in our new apartment…it’s now a construction site. Don’t know when I’ll be back…and all I need is piece of mind. Don’t know who to talk to anymore. I lost everything and I will be moving the new stuff into the apartment in the cold. The holidays are making it worse. Fuck this year and everything about it. All it has been is pain. There’s nothing to celebrate this year…don’t bother getting me anything. The only present I want is my home back and I’m not getting it.
“So this is what you meant, when you said that you were spent. And now it’s time to build from the bottom of the pit right to the top. Don’t hold back.”